Understanding COVID-19 & Grief
How COVID-19 hits us
I have noticed, both in myself and with my psychotherapy clients, that the radical changes that are caused by COVID-19 are making everything harder. The normal, everyday stressors that we all have and typically manage are now more disruptive, creating heightened anxiety, frustration, and depression. As I reflected on this, I was reminded of how I felt after many of the losses I’ve experienced in my life. When we look at what has happened in our communities, our countries, and the world with this virus, it becomes clear that we are all suffering from massive loss. Our sense of everyday normal and basic safety has been shattered. This is also uniquely hard, because we are all going through it and we don’t know when or how it will end.
Many have become familiar with the 5 stages of grief developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler in On Grief and Grieving. Their work has helped scores of people who have lost loved ones, livelihoods, and health to find structure and meaning in their grief. These 5 stages are important steps when adapting to the new normal with loss. Each step is necessary and important, not only in explaining the suffering, but also in helping us hold on to ourselves as we heal. Here is how I see the stages of grief play out in the era of COVID-19, and how we can cope and help each other with them.
Denial
Denial is an immediate reaction to grief because we struggle to comprehend the sheer magnitude of the loss. It also keeps us from being paralyzed by fear. This does not mean that we are too limited or foolish to accept the loss. It means that we are driven to preserve as much of the stability of life as we can. In this pandemic, we might see people treat COVID-19 as if it isn’t a big deal. We see people take cavalier attitudes and go about their daily lives without taking precautions. Because we are still learning just how much it will destroy and affect, we often react immediately to reject the danger. When taking care of yourself, it is difficult and frightening to comprehend the scope of what we are facing. The important thing here is to recognize that we are in a state of grief. Part of taking a wise-minded approach to dealing with loss is to allow ourselves to have the reaction of denial and understand that it is part of a larger process. This way, the experience of denial does not have to put us at risk with COVID-19. When supporting others while in our own states of grief, it can be jarring to watch other people in our lives go through denial. Arguing with them may not help, as this may fuel their own denial. Instead, find a way to validate their own feelings before you express your own concerns. While you don’t have to agree, it can be helpful to hold space for them to have their denial in your own mind. Allow this compassion to impact your interactions and trust them to move through it. It is also important to accept the limits of your own power. You cannot make the choice for them to move through denial.
Anger
Anger is an important part of grief because it protects yourself and those you love. This can be confusing, because we usually think of grief as a sad experience. This can also be confusing because with COVID, there is not a clear target for our anger, so there may not be an easy place to direct it. With the pandemic, we have seen angry protests against shelter-at-home orders, we hear about people blaming various governments and institutions for how they responded, and we see other acts of defiance against social distancing. On a smaller scale, I often have observed my clients’ increasing feelings of frustration and resentment in their daily lives that they struggle to understand. While it may be frightening or uncomfortable, it is important to make room for the anger. Notice it in your body and allow it to be there without judgment or creating crisis. It is there to protect you and will, in the long run, help you preserve what is important that you can hold onto. As you observe anger, it is helpful to approach people in your life with grace. While it may be uncomfortable or tempting to take the anger personally, it may be more effective to remember that the anger here is coming from a place of deep pain and loss. However, boundaries are important here as well. While it is important to allow feelings of anger in your relationships, it is also never ok to allow abusive behavior. These are very different.
Depression
Depression is an extraordinarily vulnerable part of loss and grief. In some ways, it is what the previous two stages guard against. The sorrow of depression is the most basic reaction to the loss of a life that we once had. The drain of depression pushes us to conserve energy and resources as we approach hardship. So we struggle to stay motivated and find enjoyment in our daily lives. In the era of COVID-19, I have seen fatigue with daily life, struggles to fully commit to activities of normal life at home and work, and less enjoyment in people’s usual activities. When caring for yourself with this depression, I have found that for myself, my clients, and my loved ones, it is helpful to prioritize pleasure and comfort. While this does not make the depression go away, it can help the depression be less intense. Some strategies might include going outside, moving your body with exercise or Yoga, and finding ways to add variety to your day. It might also help to make some connection with loved ones, even though it may be challenging or not the same as it used to be. Indeed, I am mainly writing this blog because it helps me cope in this way. I have only worked on it when it felt good and stopped when I wanted to. When helping others through this, it is important to accept and normalize that most people will not be able to give 100% at work or in your relationships. For this time, consider allowing the bare minimums to truly be acceptable. With friends, family, and colleagues, see if you can shift your expectations from motivating to supporting.
Bargaining
Bargaining can feel like a process of cycling through all of the prior three stages. As we try to preserve ourselves and our lives from the loss while also making room for the depression, we have to begin to put our lives back together. This can feel like a debate with loss about what it is allowed to take from us. This can be where we begin to rediscover our power within grief. In our own lives, we may notice this process as we try to adapt to the new rules and norms of our lives. We may notice these cycling feelings when we hang out with friends over the computer, or have a socially distant barbeque in the backyard. While at times we may feel nourished and connected by these, we may also notice that they don’t feel as fulfilling at others. What can be helpful is to allow it to be okay to have any of these emotions. Just because I felt sad or awkward during one of these hangouts, it does not mean that it was not also important or helpful. It may also be helpful to actively connect by being helpful to others in your communities. I am a big fan of “Mitzvah therapy,” in which you help alleviate your depression by engaging in acts of service.
Acceptance
Acceptance involves being at peace with the loss. This is not the feeling of peacefulness and content with the loss, but rather a sustained commitment to accepting the loss without putting it off. With acceptance, we still feel the pain connected to loss, but we approach it with openness rather than struggling against it. When we struggle against our pain, we create crisis out of our pain, which adds fuel to the flames of our suffering. Coping with pain through acceptance means that these strategies do not drive away or numb away pain, but rather help us to encounter our pain more effectively. Some examples of acceptance with grief in the era of COVID-19 can include finding humor in your and each other’s experiences with the loss. You might find ways to provide emotional support for friends and loved ones without trying to solve their problems. You might also find opportunities to explore interests and experiences that were unavailable when life was “normal.” This might be when you develop a skill, learn about a new interest, or deepen a relationship. When caring for yourself, it can be helpful to triage what parts of a normal life need to be preserved, and what parts we can be willing to let go of. Consider what new and creative ways can you use to preserve important elements of your old life? How can you find humor in your current predicament? When helping others in grief, holding space for acceptance is important. Acceptance is not a stage that one can “skip” to, but rather a way of approaching the painful elements of grief with grace. You can show this by finding ways to empathize and validate feelings with friends, loved ones, and colleagues, which can aid them in their own journey toward acceptance.